You know what’s funny? Building confidence as a woman isn’t something anyone really teaches you. Like, I can solve for X in algebra, I can tell you which train line in Queens will get you into Manhattan fastest, but no one ever handed me a “How to feel like Beyoncé instead of a nervous chihuahua” manual. And yet, here we are—adulting, pretending like we know what we’re doing, and half the time hoping no one notices our hands are kinda shaking.
I wasn’t always even semi-confident. Back in 8th grade, I wore two different shoes to school. Not on purpose. It was a Monday. (Honestly, that sums up my whole vibe at 13.) The worst part? Nobody said anything until 3rd period. My best friend finally whispered, “Um… you know you’re wearing, like, a sneaker and a ballet flat, right?” Mortified. But also—freeing? I survived. Everyone forgot about it by lunch. That’s the first time I realized confidence isn’t about never messing up. It’s about messing up and still showing up.
So yeah, if you’re trying to build confidence as a woman—especially in a city as chaotic and loud as Queens—it’s a process. Messy. Imperfect. But real.
Confidence Doesn’t Look Like Instagram
I used to think confident women woke up at 5am, sipped lemon water in linen pajamas, and posted perfectly-lit “boss babe” selfies. (You ever see those? Like, girl, how are your sheets THAT white?) But my neighbor, Gloria—this 70-something Puerto Rican grandma who wears leopard print like it’s a neutral—taught me more about confidence than any “empowerment” influencer.
She once told me, in her thick Queens accent, “Mija, you walk like you belong, even if you don’t. People believe you.” And I swear, the next time I walked into a meeting at work, I literally heard her voice in my head. Didn’t matter that my palms were sweaty—I walked like I belonged. Nobody questioned it.
So, here’s my first tip: confidence isn’t always a feeling; sometimes it’s a performance you practice until it’s real.
Little Things That Made A Big Difference
Okay, story time. I work in a pretty male-dominated office. At first, I shrank myself. Literally sat on the edge of my seat like I was waiting to leave. Then one day, after a particularly soul-sucking meeting, I decided I was done. I started doing these tiny things:
- Sitting back in my chair like I had all the time in the world.
- Speaking slower (even though my Queens brain is like 5x speed).
- Wearing lipstick even when I didn’t “feel like it” because red lipstick makes me feel like I’m about to win a case in court.
It felt fake at first. But then people started listening to me more. Complimenting my ideas. It snowballed. Confidence is weird like that—it’s a muscle. You flex it, it grows.
The Inner Voice That’s Kinda A Jerk
You know that little voice that pops up when you’re about to speak up in a meeting or try something new? The one that’s like, “Who do you think you are?” Yeah. Mine’s loud. It’s like my personal Regina George.
What’s helped me: actually naming that voice. Mine’s “Nancy.” (No offense to any Nancys out there.) When I hear her being shady, I literally say, “Not now, Nancy.” Sounds ridiculous but it breaks the thought spiral. Sometimes I even write down what she’s saying just to see how absurd it looks on paper.
Confidence isn’t about not having doubts. It’s about not letting them drive the car.
Community Is Everything: Building Confidence As A Woman
Another thing that built my confidence? Other women. Real women. Not “girlboss” caricatures. My cousin who went back to college at 40. My coworker who speaks up for herself even when it’s uncomfortable. Even the cashier at my local bodega who compliments my hair when I look like I just rolled out of bed.
We need each other. Seriously. Half the time, I’ve borrowed confidence from my friends until mine came back. Like, “Hey, can you hype me up before this job interview?” And they do. And it works.
If you’re trying to build confidence as a woman, get yourself a hype squad. Or even just one person who believes in you.
Stop Waiting To Be “Ready”
Here’s a confession: I waited YEARS to pitch an idea to my boss because I thought I “wasn’t ready.” Guess what? No one feels ready. I finally did it one random Thursday after spilling coffee on my shirt. (Confidence isn’t glamorous, y’all.)
That meeting? My idea got approved. My shirt had a stain. Life moved on.
Sometimes you just have to do the thing scared. Confidence shows up in the doing. Not the waiting.
Tiny Habits That Add Up about building Confidence As A Woman
If you’re like me, you like a list. So here’s one—stuff that’s actually helped me build confidence as a woman, little by little:
- Dress for the vibe you want, not the mood you’re in. Even if it’s just earrings.
- Make eye contact with strangers. (Not creepy-long. Just enough.)
- Do small scary things daily. Order something weird at your usual spot. Speak up in a meeting.
- Celebrate tiny wins. Seriously, give yourself credit for sending that email.
These things sound silly, but they stack. Like Tetris for your self-esteem.
Pop Culture Stuff That Helped Me
Weirdly enough, watching Fleabag helped me. That fourth-wall-breaking stare? That chaotic honesty? Chef’s kiss. Made me feel like I wasn’t the only one stumbling through adulthood.
Also, this blog I found about women who took solo trips even though they were terrified. (I’ll link it here: Women On The Road – it’s kinda old-school but inspiring.) Seeing people do things scared is my favorite genre of inspiration.
My Unpolished Advice about building Confidence As A Woman
If I had to sum it all up, it’s this: stop waiting to feel “like a confident woman” and just start acting like one, even in small ways. Wear the shoes (matching or not). Pitch the idea. Say “not now, Nancy” to your inner critic.
Confidence isn’t a destination. It’s a daily thing. A choice. A messy, imperfect, sometimes lipstick-smeared choice. And if you’re reading this and thinking, “Easy for you to say,” trust me—it’s not. I’m still working on it. Still practicing. Still showing up.
But that’s kinda the point.
