Healing From A Toxic Relationship

Healing from a toxic relationship feels… weird. Not like a spa day, not like those Pinterest boards with lavender candles and girls in yoga pants sipping green juice. More like: you’re standing in your kitchen at 11 p.m. eating cold pizza, crying because your ex liked someone’s Instagram story. And then—two days later—you’re laughing at some dumb TikTok and thinking, “Maybe I’m fine?”

It’s messy. It’s inconsistent. It’s like Queens weather—70 degrees in the morning, tornado by lunch, hoodie weather by 5.

And trust me, I wish I was making that up.

My own not-so-glorious story

Okay, confession: I stayed way too long in a relationship that was basically like living with a moody roommate who also happened to insult me regularly. Red flag parade—gaslighting, silent treatments, that thing where they make you feel “too sensitive” when you ask for basic kindness.

But I hung on because… I don’t know, the way he said “baby” when he was in a good mood made me forget all the times he disappeared for hours without explanation.

And when it finally ended (shocker: not on good terms), I thought I’d feel relieved. Spoiler: I didn’t. I felt empty.

I remember walking into my corner deli the next morning, ordering an egg-and-cheese, and almost crying when the guy behind the counter asked, “Salt, pepper, ketchup?” Because no one had asked me anything in such a nice tone in months. Like—wow. That’s where I was at.

What healing actually looked like

Not linear. Not magical. Definitely not Instagrammable.

Some days I’d wake up feeling powerful, blasting Beyoncé and telling myself I deserved better. Other days, I’d scroll his socials until my eyes burned and then stalk his sister’s page like some undercover FBI agent. (Don’t act like you’ve never done it.)

But slowly—like, snail pace slowly—I started doing stuff that felt like me again. Stuff I’d stopped doing because he made me feel silly for liking it.

• Went back to painting random junk from thrift stores.
• Wore the pink hoodie he always said looked “childish.” (Plot twist: it’s now my favorite.)
• Took solo walks in Flushing Meadows Park with a bagel and an iced coffee—my version of therapy.

And little by little, I realized the silence I used to dread? It wasn’t scary anymore. It was… kind of peaceful.

The things I had to unlearn

Healing from a toxic relationship isn’t just about “getting over them.” It’s also about retraining your brain to not expect chaos.

• Unlearning the apology reflex. You ever notice how you start apologizing for literally breathing too loud after a while? Yeah, had to break that habit.
• Unlearning “love = drama.” Because apparently not everyone thinks screaming matches are passion. Who knew.
• Unlearning that quiet equals danger. For months, if a guy didn’t text me back immediately, I’d panic. But now I know: sometimes people are just… busy. Wild concept.

The random stuff that actually helped

1. Music. Not the sad breakup playlists (though shoutout to Adele). I mean chaotic, messy, sing-screaming music. Like Alanis Morissette or Olivia Rodrigo when you’re doing dishes at midnight. Healing 101.
2. Journaling. Which sounds corny, I know. But writing “HE SUCKS” in all caps across an entire page? Therapeutic.
3. Friends who get it. The ones who don’t say, “Just move on.” The ones who pour you wine and let you rant about the same story for the 12th time.
4. Therapy. Yeah, cliché. But honestly, having a professional tell you you’re not crazy for feeling broken? Life-changing.
5. Queens walks. Seriously. Something about dodging pigeons and weaving through kids playing soccer in the park reminded me the world is bigger than one dude’s crappy behavior.

What people don’t warn you about

Healing isn’t just about heartbreak—it’s about identity. Toxic relationships kinda warp you. They make you second-guess your gut, shrink your dreams, adjust yourself into some smaller version just to keep the peace.

So when it ends, you’re not just missing them. You’re missing you. Or the version of you that existed before all the mental gymnastics.

I remember one night standing in front of my mirror, brushing my hair, and realizing I hadn’t worn my favorite hoop earrings in months. Why? Because he once said they were “too much.” Like—excuse me? Too much for who? The MTA conductor?

Put the hoops back on that night. Felt like Beyoncé reincarnated.

Okay, but when do you know you’re “healed”?

Honestly? You don’t get a certificate in the mail. Healing doesn’t show up like Amazon Prime.

I realized I was kinda healed the day I saw his name pop up on Facebook (mutual friend’s post, because the algorithm is cruel), and instead of feeling like I’d been punched in the stomach, I just… shrugged. Like, “Oh. Him.”

That shrug felt better than any “closure” talk ever could.

A messy list of healing milestones

• First time you laugh at something dumb without thinking of them.
• First time you don’t check their page in a week.
• First time you eat your favorite food without associating it with that one fight at that one restaurant.
• First time you flirt with someone new and it feels exciting, not terrifying.
• First time you realize you’d rather be alone than back in that chaos.

Why I wouldn’t erase it: healing from a toxic relationship

Okay, this is where people will disagree. But honestly? I wouldn’t erase my toxic relationship. Because if nothing else, it taught me what I won’t tolerate again. It showed me my own resilience (and also that I’m capable of consuming an entire pint of Ben & Jerry’s in one sitting, which is a skill in its own right).

Now, when I meet someone, I know the red flags sooner. I trust my gut louder. And I don’t shrink myself just to fit into someone else’s comfort zone.

Last thought before I ramble too much

Healing from a toxic relationship is not glamorous. It’s messy, slow, sometimes embarrassing. But also? It’s freeing. One day you’ll wake up, throw on your pink hoodie, grab a bacon-egg-and-cheese from the corner deli, and realize you feel like yourself again.

And that version of you? She’s worth the whole messy, painful process.

Suggested Outbound Links

• Funny read: Texts From Your Ex
• Helpful article: PsychCentral on Toxic Relationships