How to know if they’re emotionally available…….I once dated a guy who told me, “I’m not looking for anything serious right now.”
And instead of running (which, duh, I absolutely should’ve), I said, “Yeah, same.”
Spoiler: I was lying.
Like full-on “Oscar-worthy performance” lying. I wanted something serious. I wanted consistency. And maybe, deep down, I wanted him to prove himself wrong.
He didn’t. Obviously.
Two months later, I was sitting on my bed with a pint of Häagen-Dazs (vanilla bean—because heartbreak deserves the classic), scrolling through our old texts thinking, how did I miss it?
But here’s the thing—emotional unavailability doesn’t always show up in bold, flashing neon signs. Sometimes, it sneaks in wearing charm, good playlists, and “I’m just bad at texting” excuses.
When You Want Connection, But They Want Convenience
You ever talk to someone who’s there—like, they text back, they hang out—but something’s missing?
They’re present but not really present. Like you’re having dinner with their body but their soul’s on airplane mode.
That’s emotional unavailability in disguise.
They’ll ask you about your day, but never about your dreams. They’ll hold your hand, but not your feelings.
I once dated this guy, let’s call him “Mr. Surface-Level.” Everything about him screamed potential. He was kind, funny, and had that calm energy that makes you feel safe. Except… it was like dating a locked door.
He’d listen but never open up. When I asked about his past relationships, he’d change the subject. When I told him something personal, he’d nod and go, “That’s crazy.” (By the way, “that’s crazy” is not a real response—it’s emotional beige.)
After a while, I realized I wasn’t connecting—I was performing.
That’s when I learned one of the most important lessons about love: you can’t emotionally connect with someone who’s running from themselves.
So, How Do You Know If They’re Actually Emotionally Available?
Let’s be real—there’s no BuzzFeed quiz for this (though there should be). But there are some clues. You just have to pay attention before you get too deep.
Here’s what I’ve noticed over way too many trial-and-error dates:
1. They can talk about their feelings (without breaking into a cold sweat).
Emotionally available people don’t treat emotions like a bomb they need to defuse.
If you ask how they feel and they say, “I don’t know” or “I don’t really talk about stuff like that,”—that’s not mystery. That’s avoidance.
Someone who’s emotionally open can say, “I’m sad,” “I’m anxious,” or even “I’m confused about what I want.”
That honesty? That’s gold.
2. They don’t disappear when things get real.
You’d be surprised how many people vanish the second a conversation stops being light and flirty.
You mention something serious—family issues, insecurities, anything deeper than your favorite pizza topping—and suddenly they’re like, “Oh, sorry, busy week.”
If they retreat every time things get emotionally heavy, it’s not timing—it’s capacity.
3. They take responsibility for their actions.
Listen, I’ve dated the “I’m sorry you feel that way” type.
And I swear, those words are the emotional equivalent of bubble wrap—soft and useless.
An emotionally available person doesn’t dodge accountability. They say, “You’re right, I messed that up.” Or, “I can see how that hurt you.”
Tiny difference. Massive meaning.
4. They’re not obsessed with “keeping it casual.”
There’s nothing wrong with casual dating—if both people are truly on the same page. But if someone keeps reminding you how chill they are, it’s not because they’re easygoing—it’s because they’re emotionally unavailable and trying to preemptively dodge intimacy.
I once dated a guy who said, “I just like to go with the flow.”
Which apparently meant only texting when Mercury was in retrograde.
If someone’s emotionally available, they’re not scared of clarity. They can say what they want—and mean it.
The “Vulnerability Test” (Also Known as: The Vibe Check)
I have this little test I do now—it’s not scientific, but it works.
I share something small but real. Like, “Hey, I’ve been feeling a little off this week.”
Then I wait.
If they say something like, “That sucks, wanna hang?”—cool, nice.
But if they actually ask, “What’s been going on?” or share something too? That’s connection.
Emotional availability is a two-way mirror—you show something, they show something back.
If you’re the only one revealing, and they’re always the mysterious vault of chill vibes, that’s not intimacy. That’s you doing all the emotional heavy lifting while they get to look “laid back.”
Let’s Talk About Timing for a Sec: How to know if they’re emotionally available
Sometimes, it’s not that they’re emotionally unavailable forever—it’s just… now.
People go through things. Breakups, trauma, burnout, family chaos, bad Wi-Fi, who knows.
But here’s the line you have to draw: understanding someone’s situation doesn’t mean waiting around indefinitely.
If someone keeps saying, “I just need time,” but you’re the one constantly putting in the effort—it’s not your job to emotionally babysit them until they’re ready.
Love should feel like meeting halfway, not dragging someone across the finish line.
The Queens Coffee Shop Confession
A few months ago, I was at this coffee shop in Jackson Heights with my friend Jess. We were doing our usual “post-breakup analysis session” (you know, the one where you try to diagnose your ex’s emotional maturity like it’s a group project).
I told her, “He just… never let me in. It’s like I was knocking on the door, and he kept saying he wanted me inside, but never unlocked it.”
She said, “That’s because he liked the idea of you. Not the work of you.”
And honestly? That hit.
Being emotionally available isn’t just about talking—it’s about showing up. For the boring parts, the uncomfortable parts, the parts where it’s easier to ghost.
If You’re the One Who’s Emotionally Available (and They’re Not)
Okay, deep breath—because this part’s hard.
If you’re the one always showing up, caring, checking in, trying to connect, and they’re giving you emotional crumbs—stop convincing yourself that crumbs are cake.
You don’t have to earn someone’s openness.
You don’t have to wait for them to “heal.”
You don’t have to be the reason they finally feel something.
You deserve someone who meets you where you are—not someone who needs GPS directions just to find intimacy.
Signs They’re Actually Ready: How to know if they’re emotionally available?
I don’t want to sound totally cynical. Emotional availability exists—it’s just rare, like good bagels outside New York.
You’ll know when you meet someone who’s ready because:
- They don’t make you guess where you stand.
- They can handle uncomfortable conversations.
- They don’t run from your emotions—or their own.
- They make space for you, without making you feel like too much.
And it won’t feel like chasing. It’ll feel like exhaling.
Final Thought about how to know if they’re emotionally available?
If I’ve learned anything from years of Queens coffee shop therapy sessions and dating disasters, it’s this: emotional availability is not about who says “I love you” first—it’s about who shows up when things aren’t easy.
So before you get attached, ask yourself:
- Do they show consistency or convenience?
- Do they listen, or just wait to talk?
- Do they open up—or shut down?
And if the answers feel murky, that’s probably your answer.
You can’t teach someone to be emotionally ready.
You can only decide not to build a future on someone’s emotional raincheck.
Outbound Link Suggestions:
- Honest takes on dating & emotional health: The Everygirl Relationships
- Funny, raw breakup stories: Betches – Dating
