How to love yourself after heartbreak……..You ever find yourself staring at the ceiling at 3 a.m. like it personally offended you? Yeah, that was me after my last breakup. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat (okay, fine, I could eat Doritos but not like real meals), and the idea of “self-love” just felt like a corny Pinterest board made by someone who’s never cried in the shower.
But here’s the thing: figuring out how to love yourself after heartbreak isn’t some clean-cut 5-step system. It’s not “do yoga, eat kale, boom—you’re healed.” Nah. It’s messy. It’s crying into your bodega sandwich, it’s swearing off dating apps and then re-downloading them three days later. It’s telling your best friend you’re over him and then stalking his cousin’s Instagram at midnight.
Healing is chaos. But somehow, in all that mess, you do learn how to love yourself again.
My awkward starting point
Okay, story time. After my breakup, my friend dragged me out to Astoria Park because she said “fresh air cures everything.” Spoiler: it does not. I sat on the grass with an iced coffee, sunglasses on, trying to look like one of those girls who journals and heals gracefully. Instead, I ended up crying because a random couple nearby was holding hands and laughing at a dog. Like—how dare they.
That was the moment I realized: maybe self-love doesn’t look like grace and journaling. Maybe it looks like ugly crying on the grass and still showing up anyway.
The first messy rule: stop pretending
One of the worst things I did was pretend I was “fine.” I mean, my Notes app literally had “Smile more. Post stories looking hot so he regrets it.” Girl. Please.
You don’t need to perform healing. You don’t need to convince Instagram you’re living your best life. Loving yourself after heartbreak sometimes means admitting—out loud, to your friends, or even to your mirror—“I feel like crap.”
And weirdly, once you admit it, the pressure lifts a little.
Things that actually helped (and things that didn’t)
Helped:
- Music I could scream-sing. I don’t care if my neighbors in Queens think I’ve lost it—belting Olivia Rodrigo while doing dishes? Healing.
- Long walks. Not those aesthetic ones where you take pictures of your sneakers. Just stomping around the neighborhood like an angry toddler until I felt tired.
- Buying myself flowers. Yes, I’m that cliché now. But honestly? Worth it.
Did not help:
- Stalking his socials (like, ever). It was like drinking poison.
- Re-downloading Hinge immediately. That was a disaster.
- Trying to be “above it” too soon. Spoiler: I was not above it.
The weird ways Queens healed me
This sounds corny but it’s true: living here kind of forced me to get over myself. Like, you can’t wallow forever when your neighbor is blasting bachata at 8 a.m., kids are chasing pigeons in Flushing Meadows, and the 7 train conductor is yelling over the speaker like it’s a stand-up show.
One morning, I was walking to get a bacon-egg-and-cheese, feeling all broken and tragic, when this random older woman selling flowers on the street handed me a rose and said, “Smile, mija.” I almost cried again, but also—it hit me. The world keeps moving, and maybe I can too.
Re-learning “me”
Breakups from toxic or just painful relationships leave you with this weird amnesia. Like, who even was I before him?
So I started small:
- Went back to reading those dorky fantasy books he used to roll his eyes at.
- Wore red lipstick even though he once said it looked “too much.”
- Ordered pineapple on pizza because he hated it (fight me, it’s good).
Every little rebellion was like a breadcrumb back to myself.
Loving yourself feels awkward at first
Here’s the secret nobody puts on motivational posters: loving yourself feels fake at first. You’ll look in the mirror and say “I’m enough” and then immediately think, “Okay, liar.”
But if you keep showing up—taking yourself out for coffee, letting yourself nap without guilt, forgiving yourself when you spiral—it stops feeling fake. Slowly.
It’s like going to the gym. The first time you lift weights, you’re like, “Wow, I’m a fraud.” Then a few weeks later, you’re flexing in the mirror like The Rock (well… kinda).
Signs you’re actually starting to love yourself again
- You laugh at your own jokes. Out loud. Alone. And it doesn’t feel sad, it feels fun.
- You stop obsessively checking your phone because you’re too busy texting your friends memes.
- You eat your favorite food without connecting it to him. (For me: dumplings in Flushing. Heavenly.)
- You say “no” to something you don’t want to do without guilt.
- You catch yourself planning your own future—not yours + his, just yours.
Self-love isn’t always soft
This is important. Loving yourself after heartbreak isn’t always about bubble baths and face masks. Sometimes it’s tough love. Like:
- Blocking his number even though you want to “just check in.”
- Unfollowing people who make you feel crappy (even if they’re not doing anything wrong—protect your peace).
- Getting up, showering, and showing up to work even though you feel like curling into a ball.
Sometimes love is discipline. Sometimes it’s telling yourself, “We’re not going back there.”
What I’d tell past-me: how to love yourself after heartbreak?
If I could go back to that girl crying in Astoria Park, I’d tell her:
“Hey. This hurts now, but you’ll laugh again. You’ll feel excited about dumb things again, like the Mister Softee truck. You’ll fall in love with your own company in a way you didn’t think was possible. And one day, you’ll walk past him—or his memory—and feel absolutely nothing. That’s the win.”
Final messy thought about how to love yourself after heartbreak?
Learning how to love yourself after heartbreak is not some neat little checklist. It’s clumsy, it’s inconsistent, and it’s painfully human.
But somewhere between the late-night crying, the sing-screaming, the bagels, the therapy, the laughter, and the weird little acts of rebellion—you remember you’re whole. You were always whole.
And honestly? That version of you—the one who got herself through heartbreak and still shows up? She’s unstoppable.
Suggested Outbound Links
- Funny inspo: Texts From Your Ex
- Helpful read: Tiny Buddha on Self-Love
