So… how to set boundaries in relationships. That phrase used to make me squirm. It sounded like therapy-speak from a show on Netflix. But honestly? It’s real life.
Back in my early twenties, I was basically a walking “yes” button. You needed me to help you move on a rainy Sunday? Yes. Proofread your 20-page thesis at midnight? Sure. Be your unpaid therapist when you were ghosting your own therapist? Absolutely.
Guess what happened? I burned out. I snapped at my cousin over bagels. I ghosted my own best friend because I felt overwhelmed. And then—classic—I felt guilty about that too.
It was Jess (yeah, same friend from my affirmations post) who looked at me and said, “You’re allowed to say no, you know.” And I laughed, like, “Yeah right. People will hate me.” But deep down, I knew she was right.
Boundaries Aren’t Walls. They’re… like Fences With Gates.
Here’s something I didn’t get at first: boundaries aren’t about building a brick wall around yourself like some kind of emotional prison yard. They’re more like fences with gates. You decide who comes in, when, and how long they stay.
I used to think setting boundaries meant being mean. Like, “Nope, go away, I’m done.” But really, it’s just saying, “This is what works for me. This is what doesn’t.”
For example:
- Texting: I used to reply instantly to every message. Now? I wait until I actually have time. (Radical, I know.)
- Plans: If I’m exhausted, I’ll say, “I’m wiped out tonight, but let’s do Saturday.” Instead of forcing myself to go out and resenting it.
- Family drama: I love my family, but I don’t pick up calls at 11 PM anymore just to listen to gossip.
It’s like giving yourself a little dignity.
Back in 8th Grade…
(Yes, another 8th grade story. My life peaked in middle school, apparently.)
I wore two different shoes to school one Monday. Not on purpose. Everyone laughed. I wanted to sink into the linoleum.
But there was this one girl—Maribel—who said, “I like it. It’s like you’re making a statement.” And that one random compliment taught me something: sometimes people respect you more when you stand out—even when you think they’ll laugh.
Same with boundaries. People might be surprised at first, but the ones who care about you will adjust.
My “Messy” Boundary Script
Okay, confession: I am terrible at confrontation. My voice shakes, my face goes red, my hands do this weird jazz-hand thing. So when I first started setting boundaries, I wrote little scripts. Like, literally on my Notes app.
Here are a few that saved me:
- “I’d love to help, but I can’t take this on right now.”
- “I’m not comfortable talking about that.”
- “I need some time to myself this weekend, but let’s catch up next week.”
Sounds simple, but for me, it was like learning a new language. “No” felt like a dirty word. But each time I used it, it got a little easier.
And yeah, sometimes people reacted badly. My uncle once called me “selfish” for not driving across town to pick him up. Old me would’ve caved. New me was like, “Sorry, can’t.” And then I made a sandwich and watched The Office guilt-free.
Why It Feels So Hard (a.k.a. The Guilt Gremlin)
You ever notice how saying no feels like you’re kicking a puppy? That’s the guilt gremlin. It’s loud, it’s dramatic, it says things like:
- “They’ll think you’re mean.”
- “They won’t invite you anymore.”
- “You’re letting everyone down.”
But here’s what I’ve learned in Queens life (where everyone’s asking for favors, info, or just your patience on the subway): people actually respect clarity. They might pout for a second, but they move on.
Boundaries don’t make you a bad friend, partner, or kid. They make you a sustainable one.
Boundaries in Romantic Relationships (A Whole Other Game)
I can’t write a post about how to set boundaries in relationships without mentioning dating. Because wow.
When I started dating my now-partner, I was still in “yes machine” mode. If he wanted to hang out three nights in a row, I’d do it—even if I was exhausted. If something bothered me, I’d swallow it. Because I thought that’s what “chill” girlfriends did.
Then one day, over dumplings, he said, “You don’t have to agree with me just to agree, you know.” And it was like my brain short-circuited. Someone was actually giving me permission to have opinions?
So I started small: “I actually need a night to myself.” “I’m not into that movie.” “I’d rather go to Astoria than Midtown.”
And guess what? He liked me more. Because I wasn’t this blank slate anymore.
Quick & Dirty Tips about How to set boundaries in relationships
- Start small. Say no to something low-stakes first. Like declining a group chat you don’t care about.
- Use “I” statements. (“I need” instead of “You make me…”) Sounds cheesy, but it works.
- Expect pushback. People aren’t used to you having boundaries yet. That’s okay.
- Celebrate the wins. Literally pat yourself on the back after a good “no.”
- Don’t over-explain. You’re not applying for a boundary permit.
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